Humility

Paradoxically, I find that the less I focus on my own state of well-being - and instead divert my attention towards how I can deliver value to my environment - the happier I become. Conversely, the benefits of time that I spend attending to my own needs (with the exceptions of food, sleep, exercise, etc.) are fleeting at best, and counterproductive at worst.

Obviously, this isn't groundbreaking insight; but it's a pretty reliable truism. My relationship with my girlfriend demonstrates this every day: when I dwell on what I'm not getting out of the relationship, a gulf opens between us. Communication breaks down, feelings are hurt, antipathy grows. My need to satisfy my own desires ends up ruining things for the both of us. Yet when I leave my apartment with the thought of what can I do to make her happy? in my head, well, that's exactly what happens. And as any man will tell you, when mama's happy, everybody's happy.

Cal Newport devotes a lot of real estate in his book to examining the same phenomenon from a career perspective. He explains that when we chase careers that are passion-based (that is, focused on our own interests and desires), disaster ensues because we didn't consider whether those passions are even remotely valuable to others. Basically, a breakdown of product market fit. Instead, he advocates that we build careers that are skills-based, which means seeking every opportunity to acquire competence in abilities that are valued by the market.

This is the career equivalent of "when mama's happy, everybody's happy." Instead of a girlfriend or wife, we're talking about "people who would consider paying us for services rendered."

There's also a philosophical basis for delivering value in lieu of satiating oneself. Buddhists and neuroscientists might make the argument that there is no "oneself" at all, and if that's the case, it's a pointless exercise to satisfy such a non-entity. Who is doing the consuming, anyways?

Instead of taking the sollipsist's point of view that "I know I must exist, but I'm unsure whether anybody else does," I'd prefer to take refuge in self-ignorance. A far more useful heuristic is "I'm not sure that I even exist, but good things seem to happen when I behave as if everybody else does. So I might as well try to make somebody's day."

I'm certainly a long way from mastering this perspective. But the more time I spend on becoming a process - a machine that spits out value into the surrounding environment - and not a primary recipient of that value, the better I seem to do.